Friday Schedule
| 6:00 PM | Opening Prayer led by the Reverend Jerry Falwell | |
| 6:30 PM | Pledge of Allegiance | |
| 6:35 PM | Ceremonial Burning of Bill of Rights (excluding 2nd Amendment) | |
| 6:45 PM | Salute to the Coalition of the Willing | |
| 6:46 PM | Seminar #1: Katherine Harris on "Are Elections Really Necessary?" | |
| 7:30 PM | Announcement: Lincoln Memorial Renamed for Ronald Reagan | |
| 7:35 PM | Trent Lott - "Re-segregation in the 21st Century" | |
| 7:40 PM | EPA Address #1: Mercury: It's What's for Dinner | |
| 8:00 PM | Vote on which country to invade next | |
| 8:10 PM | Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh | |
| 8:15 PM | John Ashcroft Lecture: The Homos Are After Your Children | |
| 8:30 PM | Round table discussion on reproductive rights (men only) | |
| 8:50 PM | Seminar #2: Corporations: The Government of the Future | |
| 9:00 PM | Condi Rice sings "Can't Help Lovin' Dat Man" | |
| 9:05 PM | Phyllis Schlafly speaks on "Why Women Shouldn't Be Leaders" | |
| 9:10 PM | EPA Address #2: Trees: The Real Cause of Forest Fires | |
| 9:30 PM | break for secret meetings | |
| 10:00 PM | Second Prayer led by Cal Thomas | |
| 10:15 PM | Carl Rove Lecture: Doublespeak Made Simple | |
| 10:30 PM | Rumsfeld Lecture/Demonstration: How to Squint and Talk Macho Even When You Feel Squishy Inside | |
| 10:35 PM | Bush demonstration of trademark "deer in headlights" stare | |
| 10:40 PM | John Ashcroft Demonstration: New Mandatory Kevlar Chastity Belt | |
| 10:45 PM | GOP's Tribute to Tokenism, featuring Colin Powell & Condi Rice | |
| 10:46 PM | Ann Coulter's Tribute to "Joe McCarthy, Great American Patriot" | |
| 10:50 PM | Seminar #3: Education: A Drain on Our Nation's Economy | |
| 11:10 PM | Hilary Clinton Pinata | |
| 11:20 PM | John Ashcroft Lecture: Evolutionists: A Dangerous New Cult | |
| 11:30 PM | Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh again | |
| 11:35 PM | Blame Clinton for everything!!! | |
| 11:40 PM | Newt Gingrich speaks on "The Sanctity of Marriage" | |
| 11:41 PM | Announcement: Ronald Reagan to be added to Mt. Rushmore | |
| 11:50 PM | Closing Prayer led by Jesus Himself | |
| 12:00 PM | Nomination of George W. Bush as Holy Supreme Planetary Overlord |